hey! I might be the first to ask on interpersonal relationships, haha. Right, my issue concerns a man I have known for over a year and only recently started dating somewhat seriously. I say somewhat because I am still quite skeptical about our relationship. I am with him because we get along great, he’s interesting and quirky, a good listener with a big heart for people, and I see a lot of potential in him he’s talented and smart.
We have had communication problems in the past, and (I can only speak for myself) I don’t trust him. We’re trying to work on this through honesty and listening to each other. The problem is my friends and family generally think he is a loser who cannot realise his own potential. They believe I am investing too much of my time and energy in someone who will only “bring me down” when I could be focusing on meeting men who “have it together”. In some ways, I agree he isn’t very good with finances, and doesn’t seem to have concrete plans for his own future. I have asked him, but he seems to have only dreams, not real plans.
Hi! Thanks for your question and for sharing something that I am sure has been on your mind for a while. I have noticed that many if not most families in Uganda want to have a say in their child’s or sister’s relationships and more importantly whom they chose to get serious with. I remember before I got married, there were so many people ready and willing to give me their opinions on whether the man was right for me. In fact, random people not related to me were giving their unsolicited information to help in my decision-making. What they did not know then was that my mind had already been made up and I was in it for the rest of my life. What I am trying to say first Anonymous, is that things will be said, opinions will be offered and advice will be fed to you with or without your participation.
My take on interpersonal relationships, especially romantic ones in our society today is that they are treasured and kept private. It is a wonderful thing to know that what you share with your partner is known between you, your partner, and God and nothing can penetrate that bond. Since you mentioned that you just started dating, perhaps it would be better for me to answer this as such… you are not sure that you are serious so we need you to find out if you want to be serious despite everyone else’s observations.
What is it that you believe? Is he a hardworking man who is trying to make his dreams a reality? What circumstances are making him just a dreamer and not an actor? There are some things in life that we do not see but people have to endure everyday. Perhaps there is something within the way he thinks or what he believes that makes him ‘just a dreamer’. You yourself said that you see a lot of potential in him. And that is a great thing for a relationship, to be able to encourage each other. What I don’t understand though is why don’t you trust him? There are a few questions that would help to bring us to a better conclusion but the bottom line is that what you decide to have between the two of you and how you communicate it with each other. Does he know for example that at some point you think he is a just dreamer?
I have to say also that we are all dreamers at one point or the other. You mentioned that he is only 26. That for me is not the age at which everything is suddenly put into perspective. He is still searching for what he needs to make those dreams come true. Quite frankly, a year is not a fair amount of time to expect leaps and bounds. If indeed you love him, then a certain level of patience will take the relationship a long way. If you feel that there are other differences the to of you need to settle then do so and assess your relationship based on those other differences.
Communication is ultimately what will drive your bond to grow stronger and know about each other things that nobody else could possibly know. The things that you share are the very things that will make you a strong unit. Your only decision to make is whether you are both ready to be boldly honest with each other and take a true serious route that has an ultimate end to marriage. If that is not the case, then both of you are wasting your time and exposing yourselves to temptation beyond imagination. It is better to listen to your heart and face your situations boldly because after-all, it is your life.
I truly hope that some of the things I have said have opened your eyes… I say it all in love and I believe that if you both decide to sit down and talk about what you have, what you want, where you are going and how you are going to get there, then you will both have a stepping stone to build your relationship upon. In all this, remember that you are also a person that he might find fault with but perhaps his love looks beyond those faults so in all your discussions, please please talk with him as the man you truly care for, if not simply just as another human being.
Shalom & much love!