How Much Do you Want It?

What do you do when your husband continuously cheats on you and you are so fed up you want to cheat back to get even or just end the marriage.


Hi D,

There are so many things that I want to say about your question. I know that it is a really difficult thing to go through and I pray that in going through the hurt, you never forget that Jesus is with you always. Even at the times that you felt him the least, He was there with you.  I am sure that it has been a complete step of courage to come out and ask someone for help considering the unseriousness that surrounds the issue of infidelity in our society. The thoughts that have gone through your mind, I can only imagine.  I have not been married long and have not experienced this first hand so I am going by God’s Word on this one. I hope that I am able to empathize with you and give you support through these difficult times drawing from concrete biblical scriptures.

You did not mention how you came to find out that your husband was cheating on you or if you have had any serious discussion with him concerning your suspicions. If you have seen any repentance in him or if there is a will to reconcile. What I am about to share is what I believe and is my interpretation of this topic that I am starting to read more and more about in the Bible.

Any one that is married and has sex with another man or woman that is not married is an adulterer. This is to be distinguished from illicit sex between a man and a woman where the ‘offender’ is not yet married in which case it would be fornication. Both adultery and fornication are considered sins as seen in Exodus 20. Not only are they hurtful to God, they are an abuse of your body or self abuse.

It is well pleasing and better to live a life solely dedicated to glorifying God and so the bible says it is good for a man not to touch a woman. However, Paul says in the same chapter in Corinthians 7, “nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every wife have her own husband”. God allows that a man and woman come together in a sacred union and simultaneously gives them a way to avoid fornication while enjoying a united covenant with God.

Marriage is by no means a breeze. It is something that requires immense responsibility and brings on more challenges and concerns. If one is not ready, they can find themselves overwhelmed with what it takes to enjoy a good marriage.  Because I am a believer, the biggest thing for me to balance is the time spent on or with my husband and family not being more than the time I spend with God. My daily prayer goes something like, ‘God please make my whole family love you so much that you come and dwell in our hearts and then I know everything will come into place.” This is what I believe this verse to mean, “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.” Paul warns that there will be times when married people will face many troubles and so he gives us the advice we need to avoid these troubling times.

Many people today walk around saying marriage is a trap and is disagreeable and any other thing they can say to offer an explanation of why they are not married because they believe they must justify why they are not married. Others think that it is an obligation and yet again more insist that is just another stage in life. This is not the case. It is a wonderful creation of God and He loves it when two souls unite and become one to serve Him! In fact, it is a choice. If you prefer not to be married then it is good. If you are married, it is also good. There is no need to tarnish a sacred union. Whether you are single or married, it is required of you to serve, love, and obey the Lord.

Likewise, sex was created to be a wonderful experience between a married couple to share intimacy, love, communication and procreate. Undeniably, we are sinful creatures and this is an area in which many of us have fallen time and time again. It is the instant gratification factor coupled with the weakness of the flesh that I believe leads to fornication and adultery over and over again. It is at this point that I should stress that promiscuity is something not to be played around with. When you have sex with somebody, you do not just gratify your body, you also tarnish something that God created to be enjoyed by married people and it becomes distorted into something obscene and disgusting as we are seeing in our world today.

This brings us to the weakness of the flesh. Sure people will suggest that there is something your husband is not getting from you and therefore he goes searching for it elsewhere but I want to note that if one’s spirit is not in tune with his or her body, then the flesh takes over completely and does only what is pleasing to the flesh. As a result, a man is able to justify his appalling cheating ways with the ‘old’ saying that African men are entitled to as many women as they want – ‘it’s a cultural thing’ they say and sadly believe. Or whatever will come to mind when the cheating party has to defend his or her actions. I say that it is a weakness that is not dealt with and after many falls and several women and in some cases many kids later, the cheater no longer feels responsible for the sin itself. Instead society urges them on as ‘banene’ who have all the women, all the money, and as having conquered every mountain they put their sight to. Or as ‘independent women’ who don’t need a man and so forth. We have heard the ludicrous things said to cover up our shameful acts.

But the bible tells us in Hebrew 13:4 that, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” it also says in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4  “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable”. So you see, as much as we try to come up with excuses for our behavior, we are held accountable before God.

Coming to your problem D, the first thing I pray that you listen to even if you don’t listen to anything else is your spirit. Something/someone inside of you is telling you that you cannot even harbor the thought of cheating on your husband just because he is doing the same thing. I agree with that voice of reason as some may call it. That route would only hurt you and nobody else. Cheating on your husband means that you subject yourself to abuse of your body which is the Lord’s temple just to get back at a mere mortal! It would leave you feeling belittled and might even lead to self loathing and eventually self-destruction. Please do not do that to yourself, there is no reason why your soul should be put on the line on account of someone else’s sins.

I urge you to try and keep your end of the agreement. Remember your vows and remember what God requires of a wife (Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5:22, 1 Timothy 5:14, and Titus 2:4-5 among many others). Most of all, before any other rash decisions (and I know these will come at you quick along with all that advice from your girlfriends that isn’t really thought through) remember that forgiveness is why we are still here. If Jesus had not taken on our sin and died for us, we would have no chance at salvation.

So what I am saying is that first of all, look within yourself, see if you can forgive this man. This would require that you speak to him about the whole thing. Look at it as saving something that you believe in and that you want to work. I say this because I have not met a woman who does not want their marriage to work so I assume it is the case for you.  Remember when Jesus was approached by a mob with the adulterous woman and  they asked him what they should do to her? In those days, the law of Moses said to stone her to death but Jesus knowing that law full well answered them in the most beautiful way. He said; “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone! Then Jesus said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” John 8: 4-11

That is the point.  We are not perfect but in Him we are made new. I have my strong opinions about cheating like millions of other married people but lately the Lord has opened my eyes to the fact that it is not the person or the act that I am fighting… I am fighting against principalities in high and low places and the first lesson as seen from these last two blogs is that the flesh is weak. It will do anything to be gratified and in the process compromise the soul. If the spirit is not nurtured then anyone, even the born again person will be lured into the deepest darkness. And if I do not forgive as a christian, the Kingdom will not grow because I will not have played my part. So please do not let the  anger towards your husband blind you from what you should do and what you know will help you both and ultimately help your marriage. Instead focus your eyes on salvaging your marriage and doing your very best to make it work.

I stress the forgiveness part because it is the catalyst of all the tension. Once you let yourself forgive him, you can move on to finding a way forward for you and him and your family. If there is no forgiveness, nothing is going to happen. He will keep doing whatever it is he wants and you will stay bitter, angry, and unhappy. If you find that you cannot get to that point of forgiveness and staying in your marriage, please pray about it. Do not take advice that is not biblical (because I believe it is the only truth we have) and do not listen to anyone that is not wiser than you. Keep a clear mind when listening to the advice that you receive. It would make no sense to listen to someone who cheats or that does not have a successful relationship. It will help a lot more if you could find some time and look within, dig out the inner most parts of yourself about this issue and bare it all to God then wait on Him to help you. In the meantime, do take the Bible’s advice and start working your way through this. I should also mention so that it is not forgotten that we live in difficult times and you might have to take some measures to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections. If you are still intimate with your husband and know that he is cheating then it is an urgent thing that you discuss this issue because he could be bringing incurable diseases into your lives like HIV/AIDS. Be careful and wise about this and trust on the Lord to rescue you and He shall not fail you.

I believe I have gotten you started on some of the things you ought to consider so I remain in prayer with you for God’s response.

I pray that your soul is at peace when you come through this and that God is pleased with how you handle it because that is really all that matters.

If you would like to discuss further, please email me at


3 thoughts on “How Much Do you Want It?

  1. You know, it is so sad how our society has accepted cheating as a norm. We have grown up believing our men will cheat on us and that’s the saddest part. D, the worst thing you can do is revenge like Ziva said. It’ll ultimately just be a sin against your body and you will be hurt.

    1Corinthians 6:15-20

    15Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.
    16What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.
    17But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.
    18Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
    19What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
    20For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

    Every time you sleep with someone, you are joined with them in the eyes of God. You are spiritually bound because sex is more than just a physical act. So imagine all the people you want to give part of your spirit to, and all the people whose spirits you want to carry with you just because you’re angry. I insist, that is the WORST thing you want to do. People who have slept around without really caring about it are deeply disturbed when they turn to Christ. They need deliverance and have a hard time even feeling the love of God because of all the guilt and shame they carry. You don’t want to alienate yourself from God by your own actions.

    Ziva, I’m sorry I’ve taken over your blog but I feel very strongly about the attitude of ‘it doesn’t matter who I sleep with’. It is very, very dangerous. I hope I have scared you out of making a serious mistake. I think Ziva has quite adequately answered the marriage aspect of it.

  2. Pingback: Gossip & Slander – the silent evils « Simplicity St.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s